I have this fear of being alone with my thoughts. I can not seem to find a way to settle them all down and keep them quiet and in line. It’s like my brain is a pin ball machine. Each ball is a thought. These thoughts are getting whipped around an obstacle course of emotions constantly hitting them at lighting speeds thus producing many complex emotions for each thought. The problem is that I can not just play the one ball. I can not let that one thought run is course. Instead, the pinball game that is my brain is flooded with more and more balls. They are constantly ricocheting off one another and the emotional obstacles. I can not seem to make it stop. There is no end to it. There is no way to win. No way to quiet all these thoughts and emotions. No way to organize them and put them in their own spot and give each one the attention it is needed.
Instead I fear where these thoughts and emotions in my head. I fear where they will take me. I try to find distractions so I do not need to focus on what is happening inside my head. It works during the day. At night it is a different story. I do not sleep well. As I lay in bed, praying for sleep, my mind drifts to the events happening in my head. Everything is so random that I can not even express what I feel correctly. I feel trapped. I start to panic. I put the TV on in hopes of distracting me and it works for a while. I might sleep for an hour or two straight. But it never fails, I drift into a dream or a thought and I startle myself awake. I am scared to see where my brain will take me. The times I have allowed myself to travel down the road I have had some unsettling dreams and thoughts. I can not explain them away or expel them from my system. I fear taking a sleeping aid because of what I might dream or think up. I am afraid I might become addictive.
My hope is writing these things down that it helps take the toxins of holding everything in out of me and make me better. I hope that by sharing these things it might help someone else understand they are not alone. It might help me feel like I am not alone. It might help someone who has a loved one suffering from a mental illness understands what they are going through a little more. I long for the thoughts in my head to flow smoothly in and out of my consciousness. I long for the day that I understand them and confront them and no longer fear them. I think my path to getting to that point is just opening myself up.
Thanks for allowing me to do that!