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My Thoughts on My Thoughts

I have this fear of being alone with my thoughts.  I can not seem to find a way to settle them all down and keep them quiet and in line.  It’s like my brain is a pin ball machine.  Each ball is a thought.  These thoughts are getting whipped around an obstacle course of emotions constantly hitting them at lighting speeds thus producing many complex emotions for each thought.  The problem is that I can not just play the one ball.  I can not let that one thought run is course.  Instead, the pinball game that is my brain is flooded with more and more balls.  They are constantly ricocheting off one another and the emotional obstacles.  I can not seem to make it stop.  There is no end to it.  There is no way to win.  No way to quiet all these thoughts and emotions.  No way to organize them and put them in their own spot and give each one the attention it is needed.    

Instead I fear where these thoughts and emotions in my head.  I fear where they will take me.  I try to find distractions so I do not need to focus on what is happening inside my head.  It works during the day.  At night it is a different story.  I do not sleep well.  As I lay in bed, praying for sleep, my mind drifts to the events happening in my head.  Everything is so random that I can not even express what I feel correctly.  I feel trapped.  I start to panic.  I put the TV on in hopes of distracting me and it works for a while.  I might sleep for an hour or two straight.  But it never fails, I drift into a dream or a thought and I startle myself awake.  I am scared to see where my brain will take me.  The times I have allowed myself to travel down the road I have had some unsettling dreams and thoughts.  I can not explain them away or expel them from my system.  I fear taking a sleeping aid because of what I might dream or think up.  I am afraid I might become addictive. 

My hope is writing these things down that it helps take the toxins of holding everything in out of me and make me better.  I hope that by sharing these things it might help someone else understand they are not alone.  It might help me feel like I am not alone.  It might help someone who has a loved one suffering from a mental illness understands what they are going through a little more.  I long for the thoughts in my head to flow smoothly in and out of my consciousness.  I long for the day that I understand them and confront them and no longer fear them.  I think my path to getting to that point is just opening myself up. 

Thanks for allowing me to do that!


Teen arrested in assault after students kicked off bus


So yet another story of some kids being rowdy and disrespectful and abusive to innocent bystanders.  It was this past July 4th when we heard about the gang of young people assaulting people at a park after the fireworks and then looting the gas station on Humboldt and North (mind you about a mile from where I live).  Then there was the State Fair park incident.  Now we have this incident.

I first thought the issued was with the parents of these kids.  Obviously they didn’t learn any type of respect from their parents.  Well I started to think how I was as a young person.  I had my issues.  I would be loud and curse thinking I was cool.  However I never assaulted anyone or destroyed property.  When my friends and I gathered as a group we never bullied or harassed people.  We never threatened them.

When the parents started to turn in their own kids for their obnoxious behavior I knew that their parents were not to blame; at least not solely.  So I got to wondering more about what the issue is.

My theory is that kids today are growing up in hopeless system.  They see their parents work multiple jobs yet still struggle to make ends meet.  They see elected officials abuse their power.  The people they look up to like sports figures or musicians buy their way out of everything.  Kids today do not know what true reality is anymore when they are surrounded with “reality” TV like the Kardashians, Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, etc. 

When I look back on how I grew up I know I wasn’t perfect.  I did things that disappointed my parents but most of the time it was at my own expense.  I was made to look the fool, or be humiliated or hurt.  They few times I did hurt an individual my parents made me feel horrible about it.  Maybe a lot of it has to do was that I was always the person getting picked on.  Not to the extent that we see kids being bullied today but I just knew I never wanted a person to feel bad because of me.   I never wanted my parents to be disappointed in me.  When I was upset or frustrated with what I saw I spoke up, or tried to get involved or kept it to myself and found other outlets like art and music to vent my frustrations.  For me, I knew what consequences were not just for me but for others that come in my path.  As I get older, I have an understanding that everything is interconnected.  i had this understanding as a kid too, maybe not as in depth as i do today but it was there.  Today, this seems to be gone.

It has been said it takes a village to raise a child.  So what do we do as a society to combat this issue?  How do we help these young people focus their energy into something that can make a difference?  We as adults must set the example.  No longer do we turn our heads away when their is an injustice, no longer do we immediately react with violence, instead, we stop, take a breath, analyze the situation and think of consequences.  Think about how our actions will affect the interconnectedness of the universe and last forever. 

Only if we all lead by example will the youth be able to see there is a better way to live, to react, to think.  Only then will they see that they can take the negative feelings and energy and turn it into something positive.

Hello world!

“Compassion and tolerance are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.”

         – HH the Dali Lama

So I decided my life was not busy enough….so I started a blog!  Something I have been wanting to do for some time.  I hope you enjoy it.  And excuse me while I play around and learn about this new world!


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